Adult Child
A friend of mine was struggling to support their adult child. They called me to wonder out loud:
“Am I doing enough?”
On the same day, a second friend called with a similar struggle. They’ve been financially supporting their adult child for the past two years and wondered:
“Am I doing too much?”
With the best of intentions, these parents want to help their adult children. Instead of answering their questions, I first asked:
Does your child have a physical or mental illness that requires help?
With any illness or crisis, how much support or how little support is best answered by trained medical professionals. Through physical and mental struggles, we all need extra support to survive.
But, that’s not the story with my friends. My friends give their perfectly healthy adult children financial support because they can’t stand to see their adult children struggle.
For the first time since World War II, younger generations are expected to be worse off than their parents. This means many adult children will struggle in ways their parents never experienced.
My friends simply can’t bear the thought of their children having less money. They tell me:
It’s difficult to enjoy the high life when your adult child is struggling with a hard life.
My friends know it’s not always a good idea to make the road easier for an adult child. They just can’t stop themselves. They love to swoop in and rescue. It makes them feel better. But, the feeling doesn’t last.
Sometimes helping is hurting. We don’t know our own strengths until we are called upon to use them. Some of the most important lessons in life are learned from our struggles. And, struggle is not failure. It’s a necessary component of growth.
To help your adult child grow, you must first manage your own fears. I asked my friends:
Do you see your adult child as an adult or child?
If you see them as a child, you’re not helping. You’re creating dependency. When you see them as an adult, you’re creating self-reliance.
Relationships must change when a child becomes an adult. The more a parent treats their child as a healthy adult, the more the child will rise to the occasion.
Separation is the pathway to self-reliance. My friends are learning how to step back and let their adult children figure out life. It’s not easy, but the rewards are great. A new level of happiness develops when a parent-child relationship transforms into an adult friendship.
Instead of more financial support, my friends are now giving their adult children more educational support.
Here’s what they’ve learned so far:
Everything given is a gift.
All financial support is now given as a gift with no strings attached.
No more micro-managing an adult child’s behavior. No more “I’ll give you this if you do that.” No more loans.
If a parent chooses to help their adult child financially, it’s a gift from the heart. Love is not controlling.
Note: If a parent has multiple adult children, be sure to give an equal gift to all. Love doesn’t play favorites.
Healthy relationships thrive with healthy communication.
Honest conversations about money are priceless! Fear and worry are conversation stoppers. Time and trust are conversation starters.
My friends and their adult children now talk openly about money. They talk about budgeting and saving. They talk about debt and compound interest. They talk about financial health.
They talk about personal choice and living within their means. Boundaries and expectations are clean and clear.
Trust adults to figure out life for themselves.
Eventually, we all figure out how to live our best life. Struggle is simply part of the pathway to success. Resilience grows by overcoming obstacles.
Remember all the times a child falls down before they learn to walk? Adulthood is painfully similar.
My friends have finally learned to transform their parent-child relationship into an adult friendship. They no longer worry about the high life or the hard life. Instead of giving more money, they give more time and understanding.
