Rage to Resolve
Let’s create new patterns of behavior. A friend of mine started raging and hating on their partner. This is their story – and our conversation:
My partner is up, dressed and off to work before I wake up each morning. Next to my side of the bed is a chest of drawers that my partner uses to store many of the items they need for the day. Our bedroom is small and the chest only fits on my side of the room. My partner is super quiet and is careful to always let me sleep until it’s time for me to wake up.
Sounds like a thoughtful, loving partner to me.
Yeah, sometimes. The problem is they never shut the drawers after they open them. The drawers are a mess and stuff is everywhere. I mean how hard is it to shut a drawer. I’ve been screaming at them for years: Just shut the drawers!!
It’s not just that it’s annoying. I can’t easily get out of bed if the drawers are open. I am constantly tripping over these damn drawers and my partner doesn’t get it. How hard is it to shut a drawer?! No matter how many times I ask them to close the drawers in the morning, the pattern is always the same.
They may change for a day or two, and then they are right back to the same selfish behavior. It’s like they don’t care about me at all. I start my day pissed off and frustrated because of my partner. I can’t take it anymore.
Sounds like you want to change the pattern.
Oh hell yes! A few weeks ago, I tripped over the drawers, fell, and bruised up my leg. I was so mad, I could’ve killed ‘em. I cried and screamed all the mean, hurtful words I knew I wanted to say to them when they came home.
After I raged, I realized I’ve said all those mean, hurtful words many times over many years. It didn’t change a thing.
Sounds like it may have changed you.
Yes, it has. I’ve become bitter, angry and revengeful toward my partner. I thought about throwing away all their stuff so they would finally get the message. And then, I just felt sad. I didn’t like who I was becoming.
It took me a while to release my anger and then make a decision to change my behavior. I listened to some music to help shift my mood. I prayed. I meditated.
I finally thought of something that would be loving toward both of us. Instead of throwing away their stuff, I neatly folded and organized everything in the drawers. I made it easy for them to find whatever they needed in the morning.
I felt really good about myself. I was able to shift all that rage into something loving and kind.
Sounds like it’s easier to change yourself than it is to change others.
Yes, it felt good. I knew I was doing it for me. I didn’t do it to change my partner. I did it to change me.
When my partner came home later that night, they were surprised to see the drawers and asked what happened. I told them my whole story, and they listened. They really listened. It was like they could hear me for the first time.
And ever since, the drawers have been closed and our hearts have been opened.
Let’s create new patterns of behavior together. Let’s turn our rage into resolve. Let’s change ourselves instead of trying to change others.
