Chapters of Change

Change comes in chapters. A friend of mine was shaming themselves for repeating the same mistake again and again. I understand self-shaming. It’s natural to feel embarrassed or humiliated when we make repeated mistakes. 

My friend believes learning from a mistake should be instantaneous. They want the process of learning to be:

You make a mistake.

You feel bad/shame.

You change. 

I see my friend’s logic –although I have rarely seen shame produce anything other than pain. 

When we struggle with repeated mistakes, shame is not the best teacher.  The actual process of learning takes time and patience. Change comes in chapters, and it looks more like this:

I make a mistake.

I feel bad.

I try to change and fail.

I make the same mistake again.

I ask for help.

I make the same mistake again.

I seek a quick fix.

I make the same mistake again.

I see the repeating pattern.

Before I make the same mistake again,

I invest the time to learn something new. 

I don’t make the same mistake again.

Until we learn something new, the pattern repeats. If it was up to me, I would completely banish shame from the learning process.

Here is how the learning process works at Being Valued:

We make a mistake.

We invest in the time to learn from our struggles.

We change over time and grow our gifts.

New mistakes are new opportunities for new lessons. Since my early college days, I have been studying experiential learning. When I need a refresher course, I reread the poem Autobiography in Five Chapters written by Portia Nelson. 

I shared Portia Nelson’s poem with my friend who has been shaming themselves for repeated mistakes My friend related instantly to the poem and said:

I get it now. Change comes in chapters. 

This poem helped my friend find the the patience and inspiration they need to make lasting changes in their life. Without shame, they are now learning from their struggles and growing their gifts.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost … I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I'm in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in … it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Let’s walk down another street together. Let’s stop shaming ourselves and start supporting lifelong learning.