People Preferences
Let’s learn from feeling unliked. A 9-year-old friend of mine has been struggling this past week with making friends at a new school. After a few days, they asked me:
Why don’t they like me?
I thought about giving my young friend a textbook answer:
Give it time.
Get involved in a sport or school activity.
Make friends with someone else who feels alone.
I stopped myself before I answered. My sensitive freind wasn’t looking for a lesson on how to make friends. They sincerely wanted to know:
Why don’t they like me?
That question didn’t have a textbook answer. I needed more time, so I asked:
Tell me more. What are you thinking and feeling?
My sensitive 9-year-old shared many thoughts and feelings that sounded exactly the same as my adult friends. The sting of rejection hurts at every stage of life.
Many adults feel unliked by bad dates, fading friends, disapproving parents, critical partners, cruel co-workers, and ghosting job recruiters.
“It’s not a good fit.” often feels the same as “We don’t like you.”
No one is likable 100% of the time. When faced with feeling unliked, we can change ourselves to fit in. Or, we can free ourselves from the need to be liked.
My smart 9-year-old decided to free themselves by seeing a greater truth:
People have preferences.
My young friend is struggling because kids naturally gravitate to familiar friends when starting a new school year. Most people will lean on the familiar when faced with new challenges. Even my 9-year-old admitted they would be doing the same thing if they were at their old school.
People Preferences
Together, we decided it’s ok to have People Preferences. Sometimes, we like certain people more than others. And it’s ok when others do the same.
Sometimes, people like us. Sometimes, they don’t like us. And sometimes, they don’t even know we exist. We can’t control what other people think, say, or do.
We can only control our own thoughts, words. and actions. Instead of changing who we are to fit in or worrying about likes and dislikes, my beautiful 9-year-old decided to focus all their energy on being their best self at their new school.
When we free ourselves from the need to be liked, we gain emotional wisdom. My 9-year-old called it peace with their pain. Yes, it hurts when someone likes someone else more than us. But, we all do it. And the truth sets us free.
Liked or unliked, we can only work hard to be our best in every moment. Your best is always enough for the people who prefer to be with YOU.
Let’s learn from feeling unliked. Let’s discover emotional wisdom and find peace in our pain.
