To Have and To Hold

A friend of mine has been struggling to write their wedding vows. The couple agreed to forgo the traditional vows and write something more personal to the two of them. 

My friend wasn’t struggling because of the relationship or the decision to marry. They were struggling to find the right words to express their feelings. 

“It’s harder than I thought to put love into words.”

In that moment, we decided the philosophers and poets of the world deserve much more recognition and pay. The ability to express our most pure, raw and true feelings is a priceless gift.

Our talk about wedding vows proved to be especially helpful later in the day. During a phone session with a fighting married couple, I wondered out loud: 

Do you remember your wedding vows?

The question alone prompted an immediate cease fire. In the sudden pause, I noted:

Many people seek to HAVE the marriage, the kids, and the home. Fewer people know what it takes to HOLD the marriage, the kids, and the home. 

In our crazy consumerism world, people are pushed to seek more, want more, have more. We don’t always understand:

To have and to hold is not the same skill.

This particular couple was holding onto the daily weeds of annoyances more than the love they once shared. They were exhausted by unmet expectations. The session made them realize:

“It’s harder than I thought to put love into actions.”

This couple didn’t have a problem to solve. They had a choice to make. 

Would they continue to hold back their love and fight more?

Or, would they hold up their vows and love more?

Love is never easy when we are upset and frustrated. Vows are not just promises to be made and forgotten. They are a daily reminder to:

Hold back hurtful words.

Hold on and listen.

Hold space for mistakes and grace.

Hold tight to each other. 

Hold onto hope.

Hold hands and figure out life together. 

It takes daily intentional choices to hold a marriage together. Healing comes from learning to speak about what matters most to you. When we hold space for our sacred vows, we remember:

Who we become together is more important than what we have together. 

To hold is more rewarding than to have.